When the Work Finds You (Self-Sabotage, Rest, and the Truth About Healing)

This week, the work found me.

I’ve been writing a new workbook on self-sabotage and nervous system rest—topics I know inside out, patterns I’ve studied and taught for years.

But as I put pen to paper, difficult feelings started to surface: shame, loneliness, detachment.

The kind that sits heavy in your chest and makes you want to look away.

No matter how far we travel, we all carry unprocessed parts of ourselves. 

I know these patterns well. They’ve caused pain in my life. I’ve done the work, understand the theory, and have walked others through it. Yet, writing about self-sabotage brought it all back up.

Not because I haven’t healed, but because healing isn’t linear.

Integration isn’t a one-time event. There are layers. You can understand something intellectually and still feel it viscerally when it resurfaces.

You can have done the work and still discover there’s more to do. 

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
The fact that difficult feelings still arise doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

It means you’re alive, still growing, still human.

Self-sabotage isn’t just a pattern we run when we don’t know better. Sometimes it’s a protection mechanism we learned so young, so deeply, that even when we know it’s not serving us—even when we see it happening—it still activates.

Because at some point, it kept us safe, and our nervous system doesn’t forget easily.

 This week, I felt it all again:

• Shame: “You should be past this by now.”
• Loneliness: “No one else struggles with this anymore.”
• Detachment: “Maybe it’s easier to just not feel it.”

But instead of hiding or performing certainty, I chose to witness it, to name it, and to let it move through me—without making it mean something about my worth.

Because pretending I have it all figured out would be the real self-sabotage.

 A question for you:

• What difficult feeling have you been avoiding?
• What would happen if you just let it be here, without needing to fix it?

The Cost of Pretending

There’s always a temptation to present the polished version of ourselves online—the “I’ve got it all together” version. It sells better, converts higher, and positions us as experts. But vulnerability has a cost.

When you show people the unfinished parts, some will lose faith. Some will look elsewhere for someone who seems more “sorted.”

But the people who stay when you’re real are the ones who matter.

The clients who want you perfect aren’t looking for transformation—they’re looking for permission to stay stuck.

Growth isn’t about arriving. It’s about continuing to show up, even when it’s uncomfortable.

What’s Next

The workbook on self-sabotage and nervous system rest is coming together—slowly, messily, honestly. Maybe the best work we do is the work that still challenges us.

And if you’re local, our January 4th Men’s Day on the farm is nearly full. If you want a space to step away from performance and have honest conversation, let me know.

More on this topic is explored in The Growth Equation, releasing April 2026.
Join the pre-release waitlist and get 25% off your copy:
Pre-order the book here: https://www.thegrowthequation.co.uk/The-Growth-Equation

Reflection:

• What feeling have you been avoiding?
• Where are you performing certainty instead of admitting you’re still figuring it out?

If this resonates, let me know in the comments or DM.

Let’s keep it real.

Paul Howarth
Unlocking Breakthroughs in Mind, Money, and Mission